spelunking

dear love,

a few days ago, i went spelunking. that's right, spelunking. it was such a thrill and super scary but i was a little bit proud of myself that i did it!

spe·lunk·er (sp -l ng k r, sp l ng -). n. One who explores caves chiefly as a hobby; a caver. i.e. paige henry.

this wasn't some cave you pay money to go in and walk around with pretty lights and see the cool things caves had to offer. oh no, this cave was in the side of a mountain where it was obvious only a few people had ever really seen before. the cave was suuuuper narrow. we had to squeeze through a couple of extremely tight spots. we're talking one more pound on me and i wouldn't have made it through. for a while all we could do was have our buns on one wall and our feet on the other and just shimmy our way completely vertical for about 25 feet. and then we finally reached a place where you couldn't go any further and we knew we had conquered the cave!

happy future mother's day!

your heart

dear love,

sometimes you give someone a piece of your heart on a pretty silver platter. it's the scariest thing because that person could do anything they want with something that is so intimately yours and yours only. you hand it over apprehensively, with one hand halfway covering your eyes so you can still see a little out of the cracks your fingers make. you sit and wait once it's handed over, you search the person's face for any indication of what is going to happen to that part of you that you just offered them. will it be squashed or used or cheated on or taken advantage of? or will it be listened to, loved, nurtured, and comforted?

sometimes people exceed your expectations. sometimes they take the piece of your heart you gave them and wrap their arms around you and tell you that everything is going to be okay.

grades

dear love,

please let me just vent about something. don't judge me and think i'm crazy...just go with it.

i took my very last religion class ever this last semester. i liked it and everything but i guess i didn't really study enough or take it seriously enough (what's new?) i knew my grade was pretty borderline B+ A- but i figured it should be just fine. when i checked my grades i got a B+ in the class and checked the percentage on blackboard. okay SERIOUSLY my grade calculated out to be an 89.85%. i didn't worry too much because i figured i would just talk to the teacher and he would see that was silly and that i should get an A-. i emailed both the ta and the teacher and just barely got a response back from the ta which read: "please see the syllabus for grade cut offs" and THAT WAS ALL HE SAID. if i wasn't mad before i was now. c'mon BYU religion classes, get a freakin grip on reality. i went to class every single day except one, did the readings and the journals every single time, participated regularly, and if i had gotten one more point out of like 750 my grade would be over 90%. stupid and dumb.

okay i feel better now.

musical moment

dear love,

ok so here's the thing. i hardly ever really play my guitar for big groups of people, in fact, tonight was only the second time i've ever done it. that's right, the BYU 236th ward had a talent show tonight and i sang a little song and it was fun.

picking the song was difficult, but after input from kath, my sister, and a few others, i chose this one. india arie is my favorite artist in the entire world. i've seen her in concert three times and im slightly obsessed. so i went with one of her songs and it all turned out okay in the end.

i want to give a few shout outs to some amazing performances.

• carolyn on the guitar—free fallin has never sounded better. perhaps a private concert to lull me to sleep in the near future?
• ariel—okay seriously?? the words you sang were B E A U T I F U L and wow, you can siiiing!
• shane—boy's got MOVES.
• taj—love the videos. especially the mustache one. (see video below).
• kath—i know you technically didn't perform, but your comments were classic throughout the show, and it wouldn't have been the same without you.

so yay for me being brave! oh and thank you to the august rush man who made a surprise guest appearance at our very own ward talent show. you rocked!

FEMULLET

dear love,

it was a normal thursday afternoon. i had just gotten out of my clinical class and i was on my way outside for my biweekly 30 minute people watching session. the next thing i knew, i was staring at one of the most amazing sights i have ever seen. this fe-mullet.

at first i panicked because i knew i didn't have my camera with me. but then i remembered that my phone has a camera on it, so the next thing i knew i was on my way, phone in hand, ready for some serious stalking. i decided it was too weird to hold my phone up so that she could see me taking the picture, so i took a risk and held the phone at my leg and took the creeper shot that way, hoping i would have her in the frame. i looked at the picture, overjoyed with the results. not only did i get the full body shot, BUT the wind picked up right at the moment i snapped it. e-p-i-c.

i laughed literally for a half hour straight. by myself. i had to pretend i was on the phone so that people wouldn't stare.

some lingering questions:

• who cuts hair such as this?
• how do i become that awesome?
• how is not an "extreme hairstyle" that would usually be banned from BYU campus?
• when she wakes up in the morning, does she really think, "yep!! i'm looking good!" ???
• how do i become her friend?

i've decided to frame this picture and put it up on my wall next to the other photo i have. (the really crazy man and wife(?) that hangs proudly in our living room). because my lovely roommates always tell people that those crazy-looking people are my parents, a friend suggested that i tell people that this mullet woman is my twin sister who plays softball.

this one's for you, cort. "WHAT A PLAY!!!"

a realization resolution

dear love,

it's been a really long time since i last wrote on my blog. here goes my best attempt.

something that's been on my mind lately is understanding why i have such a hard time trying new things. examples: my first time i tried playing golf, i was in tears by the end of the second hole. i kept swinging and missing and was sooooo frustrated. i was scared to even try and then when i wasn't good, i just wanted to give up. i guess i just want to be good at everything i do. another example is my dance class. i am absolutely terrified of the entire scene—it's completely uncomfortable. first of all, you have to ask people to dance and hold sweaty guys' hands, and you have to deal with the people who have been dancing their entire lives and are waaaay better than you and intimidating. these two examples are things that i have actually tried to do after much self-convincing, but it makes me REALLY uncomfortable.

so here's the catch. i've realized that if i could boil it all down to one thing it would be fear. i'm flat-out scared to try new things. i'm scared i will look dumb, not be able to do it, or just fail altogether. this realization was a surprising one for me because i don't see myself as really being scared of stuff like that. but i think that there's definitely an element of fear related to the things i never actually try.

i'm going to fix this. i'm telling myself that i am going to try new things and recognize that i might be scared but i'm going to do it anyway. i heard this great quote once: "if you want things to happen that have never happened before you have to do things you've never done before." i'm going to do things i've never done before and i'm not going to let fear get in my way. and i'm going to be awesome. done and done.