look alive

dear love, 

thought one: tell me if you've ever done this: stood in front of the mirror as you are getting ready for bed, closed your eyes for a good 20 seconds and then opened them really close to the mirror to watch your pupils go from huge to tiny? maybe i'm the only one, but for some reason, this just fascinates me. it's never really possible to see our eyes when our pupils are really dilated and i love to try and trick them to get a quick glance of what my eyes look like with absolutely no light. it's crazy how our body naturally adjusts itself in different environments to come to the ideal way to take in the world around us. it's kind of a metaphor for situations i constantly find myself in. whenever i see a situation or trial or opportunity in life the first few minutes, hours, weeks (depending on what we're talking about) are hazy and unfocused. but things happen naturally to adjust and work themselves out to be able to see again, and to alter the amount of light let in for understanding, and it just naturally works out so that we are learning the exact things we need to learn through those different times. we might try to control our eyes, and keep them dilated when we look into the light, but the effort is futile because of the beauty and perfection of our physiology. just as we may try to alter our own situations, and make them the way we want, we need to understand that things will work out. we will adjust and learn what we need to when we need to learn it.

thought two: what is better than a bike ride on a warm spring night? katherine and i did that tonight and had one of those conversations that really just makes you feel like you care for someone and are cared for in return. i love conversations where you ask questions, and the responses speak to your heart, and they could have easily been something you yourself would have said. and the girl makes me laugh! and we learned how to say thank you.

thought three: advice advice advice advice. everyone wants to help, and everyone wants to be involved in things that are important to me. but i've really learned that i already know what to do before people give me advice. this is not to say that i never need it, because heaven knows i do, but i sometimes get wrapped up in asking people what to do and forget that the answers are usually clearly sitting in front of me. i forget to trust where my heart is, and i forget to follow it. so i'm resolving right here right now to do just that. pay attention to my heart: learn, introspect, study, and listen to it.

california

dear love,

i just arrived in san diego yesterday, and i've already successfully done some of my favorite california things. 

today i went to the beach. not the BEST day for the beach, but i needed it. jordy had to go to work so that meant i had the day to explore on my own. so i suited up, screened myself (cloudy days are the worst for bad burns), and set out to read my book on the beach. i took a long walk over to the beach, sat and read for maybe 2 hours, then walked around the stroll just behind the sand, and looked in some of the cute shops around there. 

on my walk home, i was privileged to come across TRADER JOE'S. and smiled. and walked in. i tried desperately to search for a little taste of the past, and i knew there had to be something in there that would satisfy that. i walked around the whole store, ate a delish sample, and surprisingly nothing was really begging me to eat it–until i saw them. honey whole wheat pretzels. they don't sound that amazing, but they are. so i bought those and a mango and i was good to go. 

so the trip so far has been a greeeatt successss as they say. i've already been to the beach and shopped at trader joe's!! and tonight we're having a barbeque. good california days.

why don't i just become an insomniac?

dear love,

i'm warning you that i haven't slept much, (hence the title) so this one could be a little weird. i'm feeling a little weird. and annoyed. and tired. and kind of like there are 50 things to do in the next week. this is just how it gets during finals though . . . so much to write and read and cram into your brain and only a small amount of time to do this in. so what do i choose to do instead? blog. that's right, i'm putting it all out there. 

i made a list of all the things i need to do before the end of the semester (just over a week). it's a long list, and i think i just wont sleep much. good? no. wouldn't life just be better if you just didn't need to sleep for a while? you could just pause your normal schedule and just say, "hey, i need like 5 days of pure productivity--and that does not involve sleeping. mmk? glad you understand. and body, hang in there, don't shut down on me. and mood, stay happy and sweet and fun. and face, don't get those nasty circles under your eyes that sometimes make you look like you have an abusive sitch goin on. oh an by the way brain, remember all the things you study during those days of awake-ness and don't start to expand in my skull and give me a headache. thanks everyone for cooperating!" wouldn't it be nice to tell yourself those things?

i'm about to tackle the first few things on my list. now that i've blogged, it just feels right to continue to stay up late and wake up early. thanks for sorting this out for me love, you're a true friend.

imagranola

dear love,

i want to tell you about the adventures of my day today. it all started when i tried desperately to skip class. carolyn was coaching me yesterday on what it takes to skip class, and the best strategies for success. i went to bed at a reasonable time and so i decided that i didn't really need to skip class the next day. so i set my alarm for early so that i could get some things done before school. when that alarm went off, there was no way i was actually waking up. so i went back to bed, resolved that today would be the day to just not go to class because i didn't feel like it. then in like a half hour, i was wide awake and could not sleep anymore. so i got ready really slowly so that i would have an excuse to not go this morning. somehow i ended up getting ready faster than any other day! so my attempts to be a rebel backfired today. i went to class. hooray.

then, i got home around 2 and was starved for some lunch. i had stuff for smoothies and so i made one. yum. it was so good and seriously resembled the fancy ones from jamba. then my mind wandered and i wished that this WAS in fact, a jamba. so i put some oatmeal stuff on top. then i wished that the oats were granola. i was thinking about going to the store anyway, so i made a mental note to get some granola when i went. THEN i had the brilliant plan to make some of my own. i looked up a recipe online and made it my own (never any measuring!!) and it was delish. put it right on top of that smoothie and i was in heaven.

for anyone out there having similar cravings, i will do my best to recount what i put in my granola.

3 1/2 C rolled oats

2 t cinnamon

1/2 C coconut flakes

3 T flax seeds (mmmm omega 3s)

1 t salt

2 T honey

2 T maple syrup

2 t vanilla 

1/4 C brown sugar

1/4 C canola oil

mix errrthing togetha. bake at 375 for 15ish minutes. 

since then, i've been on a ram(paige) getting my life in order. cleaned, laundry, exercise, and then off to a concert tonight. until next time.

good things

dear love,

here is my first list, a list of all the wonderful things going on in my life right now. i was talking to my friend, ali on the phone today and i had so many things to tell her about how great life is right now. so i thought i would share it with you, love.

1. i'm officially into the dietetics program here at BYU
2. i'm accepted to do EFY this summer!
3. to avoid being TOO personal, the man-sitch is good right now
4. i have an amazing home to come home to
5. roommates are better than i could even ask for--i learn so much from them both every day
6. i am in an amazing ward with so many people around me teaching me and showing me how to be better than i am
7. i have a job, and in this time of economic struggle, that is such a blessing
8. i'm healthy
9. i'm happy
10. the sun is starting to come out 
    

i'm making steps in the right direction. i'm setting goals, learning, and most of all trying. so yay for that.

the usual

dear love, 

i like to think i'm smooth. i like to believe that i can talk to just about anyone and not really get nervous or awkward. but i thought i would share an experience today. i was working at the moa cafe and, of course, a really good looking guy walked in. i smiled at him and got him what he ordered...and i straight TRIPPED right in front of him. my heel got caught on one of the mats and it was just really really funny. i actually was so close to falling that i had to put my hand down on the floor to stop myself. i'm laughing right now as i'm writing this, remembering the look on his face when i fell. he was concerned and sweet, but i felt SO DUMB! what the heck is up with that? how is it that i helped probably like 100 people that day and i have to be a total dummy in front of the CUTE ONE?!? well, i think the answer is that it builds character and it makes it so that i have something to tell my grandchildren or something. 

don't think that this is an isolated event. no, quite the contrary actually. i do stuff like this all the time and i just love it because i crack myself up. another time, at the moa too, i was talking about how cute our little garbage guy was (who apparently was engaged at the time--how was i supposed to know??) and he WAS RIGHT THERE IN THE ROOM as i was saying this. anyway, there are too many of these little experiences to remember them all, but hopefully you got a little chuckle out of this, love. more accounts of embarrassing tales to tell soon.

it's ok to be ok

dear love,

today two things have been on my mind: it's ok to be ok, and sometimes you just gotta jump. to all the (maybe) five people who actually read my blog, let me put a disclaimer on this one: don't assume that you know what specific life event i'm talking about. i don't even really know what i'm talking about. all i know is that this has been on my mind today. with that said, let's get into it.

sometimes things happen. and they suck. and then they seem to get worse and worse and you have no idea how to get past this mountain of struggle before you. actually, maybe it's more like this: you're sitting on the wing of a plane, and all of a sudden, the plane takes off. (this was a real dream of mine by the way, love the symbolism). anyway, the more you wait to jump off, the higher you get, and the worse it will feel. you are so scared to jump, but you have to do it soon, or else it will be too late. 

so when things happen that situations where you have to jump, just do it. do it before you're so high in the sky that jumping will really hurt or maybe even kill you :) (but that's not really funny). 

let's bring this to real life. an opportunity presents itself like falling in love or a possibility to travel or move or make a big change in your life, and you are afraid to jump. the more you stress about your situation, the worse it will get. a real life situation: you want to talk to someone and become friends with them but you're afraid to look dumb or say the wrong thing. so you wait and wait and build it up in your mind, and your conscience tells you that you really should be befriending that certain person. but you tell yourself, laterlaterlater and then it never really gets done because all the waiting has made it harder. or this: you want to make an improvement on yourself (your thinking, your habits, your lifestyle, etc.) but you just keep telling yourself that you're too scared, or not ready. sooner or later those convictions of change and goodness fade into the backdrop and are no longer likely to happen. acting on those days where everything makes sense, seizing that moment to become better is where real change happens. last example: having your heart broken, your world betrayed, or having your soul desecrated. these times of grief are so painful, and no human being escapes this world without them. while i agree that allowing yourself to feel and be sad or a while is fine and even healthy, there comes a point where you just need to JUMP. and be ok. and thrive. jump when you're ready of course, but please, do jump. don't live your life thinking you will just get over it tomorrow, or even worse, forgetting about the problem itself. think about it, deal with it, find someone you trust, and then when you are ready, take the jump and be ok. 

on to my last thought. when you are ok after something catastrophic in your life, it's ok to feel that way. people will try to tell you that you have to take 6 months to get over "a" and a whole year to finally rise above trial "b". not true. you decide. being ok after a trial is ok. i just wanted you to know that, love, so that you can remember that life is beautiful.